So maybe some of this patriarchal shit ought to go away. And you might have noticed something else. In this blog post, we'll take a look at some of Carlin's most famous quotes on government. I'd like to begin by saying fuck Lance Armstrong. What a ratio that is: 399,993 to 7. People who say they dont care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they dont care what people think. Thank God for that. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice., Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups., If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else., Political correctness cripples discourse, creates ugly language and is generally stupid., Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out., When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person., If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, youre gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders., If you have selfish and ignorant citizens then you too will become a selfish and bad leader.. Did you ever notice that, how many stupid people you run into during the day? I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. No neonatal care, no daycare, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. Dole kept saying "I'm a plain and honest man." No nothing. But what's the alternative? It creates a hostile work environment. Irony is "a state of affairs that is the reverse of what was to be expected; a result opposite to and in mockery of the appropriate result." When youre born you get a ticket to the freak show. A cross-eyed nun with a bullwhip and a bottle of gin! Its because volunteers work for no pay. Pack your shit, were goin away. Dopey was into everything. We won the big game today, yes sir! But youll see guys with red hair named Duffy going, Whats happenin?. The people are fucked.". It sounds fashionable and, to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. They come from American parents and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens. And generally speaking again it's all generalized the left-of-center people are more concerned with humans and human beings and human concerns; to the care of humans, not the care and worry about property rights. If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air. George Carlin, 54. ' George Carlin, 30. To me, war is a lot of prick-waving! By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. I cant follow the logic on that one at all! Were gonna save the fuckin planet? And, by the way, theres nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. I guess hard-core fans who follow my stuff closely would be able to spot the fake stuff, because the tone of voice is so different. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place, man? ""Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. So, we must be clear about our expectations for government and its role in our lives. It presents itself as fairness, yet attempts to restrict and control peoples language with strict codes and rigid rules. George Carlin, 60. We are the proud parents of a child who has resisted his teachers' attempts to break his spirit and bend him to the will of his corporate masters. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them. George Carlin, 34. '""I have solved this political dilemma in a very direct way: I don't vote. The Zen Teachings of George Carlin, a Comedian Who Pointed the Way 101 Marianne Williamson Quotes That Will Enlighten You. Garbage in, garbage out. Thats all weve ever had in this country, is a bill of temporary privileges. And the supreme arrogance? Every one, every one of those items is provably untrue at one level or another, But let's say it's true; let's say God gave us these rights. Weve learned how to make a living but not a life. And don't let me be hit by a flying turd. Does experience need to be documented and brought home and saved on a shelf? Catholics and other Christians are against abortions and theyre against homosexuals. You know how I define the economic and social classes in this country? That's the whole purpose of recording; to do it beforehand! [] I look at war a little bit differently. Updated on May 30, 2018. So at best the sanctity of life is kind of a selective thing. Doctors prefer "Embry-No"! I see a glass thats twice as big as it needs to be. George Carlin, 44. 22. A group of slave owners who wanted to be free! No muss, no fuss, no risk, no obligation, no red tape, no down payment, no entry fee, no hidden charges, no purchase necessary, no one will call on you, no payments of interest 'til September. Because theres no money in that problem. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. Now Darryl Stingley's son plays football, and if the son should become paralyzed while playing, it will not be ironic. Dont just teach your children to read Teach them to question everything that they read Teach them to question everything. George Carlin, 86. - George Carlin. Must be another one of those "miracles.". If you vote, and you elect dishonest, incompetent politicians, and they get into office and screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. Doesn't happen often. Oh, my goodness. (224), Many people work on war plans; not too many work on peace plans. If Darryl Stingley's son paralyzes someone else, that will be closer to ironic. I hate groups of people but I love individuals. Religion is nothing but mind control. The planet will take care of itself. Term limits ain't going to do any good; you're just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. Carlin got famous for his bit about the words you cant say on television, but his legacy speaks of so much more, wisdom and wit that deserve to live on through the ages. In the end, there are people who don't fit into the marketplace and are not equipped. Where are these people hiding? A crazy person will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo, but he'll be wearing a Bugs Bunny suit at the time. And you might have noticed something else. This is my list: guys in their fifties named "Skip." Put the blame where it belongs: on the people. When it comes to Gods existence, Im not an atheist and Im not an agnostic. Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death! War is a whole lot of men standing out on a field waving their pricks at one another. Its been here over four billion years The planet isnt goin anywhere, folks. The real reason that we cant have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not commit adultery, and Thou shalt not lie in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. The government doesn't care about you, or your children, or your rights, or your welfare or your safety. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money. Like the public. The planet is fine. So self-important. "That's a, There are two-way words, like, it's okay for Curt Gowdy to say, "Roberto Clemente has two balls on him!" I say, "Pick it up, asshole, you're lucky you found the fuckin' thing! Anyone who pays for vaginal jelly with an Exxon credit card. The Zen Teachings of George Carlin, a Comedian Who Pointed the Way Judd Apatow and Michael Bonfiglio's new HBO documentary "George Carlin's American Dream" takes viewers on a tour through. (. Below youll find the best collection of George Carlin quotes. He said "Hi folks, I'm completely full of shit and how do ya like that?" Everything He ever makes dies., 9. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time. 'Cause that's all you ever hear about in this country. I leave that to others. You want somethin' hot to suck on? But I said it with a smile. No. They say rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. That's generally been true. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people, The FCC, the Federal Communications Commission, decided all by itself that radio and television were the only two parts of American life not protected by the free speech provisions of the first amendment to the Constitution. I know that. They dont want to hear from you. Not always. Its interested in its own power. Heres all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And rights aren't rights if someone can take them away." George Carlin. '""The difference between left and right of centeroriginated in the Frenchparliament. ""Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. "GIMME THAT, IT'S MINE!" That's why we have a drug problem, I feel; it's because everyone has access to drugsit's all those DRUG stores, right? When they talk about drugs, they don't talk about all of them. George Carlin Shitting on Government for 8 Minutes Straight Fuck him and his balls, and his bicycles, and his steroids, and his yellow shirts, and the dumb empty expression on his face. Period. 50 The Alchemist Quotes To Make You Follow Your Dreams, 195 Best Cobra Kai Quotes (Seasons 1 5), 70 Attack On Titan Quotes That Will Inspire Greatness, 37 The Lion King Quotes Filled With Powerful Life Lessons, Your email address will not be published. The sanctity of life doesnt seem to apply to cancer cells, does it? Doesn't happen 'cause chickens are decent people. "One thing leads to another"? Your birth certificate is proof of guilt! We can afford to cut defense; we cant afford to cut education. People don't know that, tell them when they're in your car. I, George Carlin, being of sound mind, do not wish, upon my demise, to be buried or cremated. In the first place, white people got no business playing the blues ever at all under any circumstances ever, ever, ever! Has been for thousands of years! Huh? Nothing left. That's the way the ruling class operates in any society. It's interested in its own power, that's the only thing, keeping it and expanding it wherever possible. We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free. Because Im an American and I expect a little cancer in my food and water. A man with only one lip. ""George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country. I love the freedoms we used to have. Use your fucking heads! Not so youd really notice it of course; just kinda on paper. Here is one I would suggest: Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was. But you'll see guys with red hair named Duffy going, "What's happenin'?". It's not an attitude in line with the American Spirit, but there it is: we all screw around first. And they're elected by American voters. And camcorders: here is technology gone berserk. 2010 The Thought & Expression Company, Inc. 1. First thing- "Hey! Well, if crime fighters fight crime and firefighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? Everybody complains about politicians. A brain surgeon with "Born to Lose" tattooed on his hands. When youre born in America, you get a front row seat. George Carlin, 48. If youre preborn, youre fine; if youre preschool, youre fucked. You never hear them say Jesus made me drop the ball. The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage. According to these guys Jesus is undefeated, meanwhile these assholes are in last place. A country with a five-trillion-dollar debt is giving advice on handling money? "Pre-heated" is a meaningless fucking term! Manage Settings Thats the only thing keeping it and expanding it wherever possible. George Carlin, 57. People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point. How do school teachers handle this? When they say "right to life," they're talking about THEIR right to decide which people should live or die. It creates a hostile work environment. George Carlin, 65. It will not be with jack-boots. And, by the way, theres nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. The owners of this country know the truth: Its called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it. George Carlin, 83.Theres a reason education sucks, and its the same reason it will never ever ever be fixed. In prisons, before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol! Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other peoples stuff. Plus he knocked up your daughter. They will do anything for the unborn. OK? You see all, sooner or later. Change His plan? Selling is legal. Its a subconscious need to project the penis into other peoples affairs. They want me to call that thing in the street a "person-hole cover;" I think that's taking it a little bit too far. You work 40 years until you're too young to work. 11. Men are insecure about the size of their dicks, and so they have to kill one another over the idea. Its only a piece of cloth. George Carlin, 75.The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful of insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Happy was into grass and grass alone Happy, that's all he did. But, when it comes to changing the language, I think they [feminists] make some good points, because we do think in language, and so the quality of our thoughts and ideas could only be as good as the quality of our language. Youd think theyd make natural allies. When did this happen; that we passed chickens in goodness? You know? It's nice. The government doesn't care about you, or your children, or your rights, or your welfare, or your safety, it simply doesn't give a fuck about you. And athletes, athletes got into uppers, college athletes. Here's one for the ladies, "Nary-A-Carry"! I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. George Carlin was incendiary, he was hilarious, he was often the smartest dude (and biggest smartass) on the block, and he was a national treasure. What would you call a lady's man, a "person's person"? Because everyone is trying to save the planet. If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? Keep your circle small. Simple thing. ", "One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. "Thy Will Be Done." 39. And now they're coming for your Social Security money. Tell you a little secret about the blues; its not enough to know which notes to play, you gotta know why they need to be played, and another thing I dont think white people should be trying to dance like blacks. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. Politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect. Couples whose children's names all start with the same initials. Religion is nothing but mind control. The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choice. "Undisputed heavyweight champion." After all, he was one of the most successful comedians of all time! I said, "Definitely, I feel we have too many dopes." 225 different people in the Ronald Reagan administration have either quit, been fired, arrested, indicted or convicted of either breaking the law or violating the ethics code! Christmas Quotes For Mothers To Make Her Day, These 10 Quotes About Best Friend Love Are Perfect For Showing Your True Colors, 118+ Inspiring Christmas Quotes For Instagram That Will Bring A Warm Glow To Your Holiday Season, Mourning Your Dogs Death With Quotes From Rainbow Bridge, 15+ Rumi Quotes On Happiness That Will Boost Your Mood, These Rumi Quotes About Depression Will Bring You Comfort. Are people's lives so bankrupt they sit at home looking at things they already DID? But even after the egg is fertilized, it's still six or seven days before it reaches the uterus and pregnancy begins, and not every egg makes it that far. People I can do without. George Carlin Quotes - BrainyQuote A proctologist with poor depth perception. You caused the problem. And Bushis pushing this country farther down the hill, faster than anyone has before. George Carlin > Quotes > Quotable Quote - Goodreads 60+ Hilarious George Carlin Quotes and Jokes | Thought Catalog We made the whole fucking thing up! I love that. 14. Isnt it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?, 8. The low end of the speed spectrum, I grant you, but there are coffee freaks. There is actually a semi-important figure in American history who is named for a blow-job movie. What we need is a king, and every now and then if the kings not doing a good job, we kill him. 29. It's ridiculous and it goes to ridiculous lengths! The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity. George Carlin, 15. According to these guys, Jesus is undefeated, meanwhile these assholes are in last place. Fascism won it. We're going to the country because we like nature." I sit there laughing and they go to waste. Anal rape, quicksand, body lice, evil spirits, gridlock, acid rain, continental drift, labor violence, flash floods, rabies, torture, bad luck, calcium deficiency, falling rocks, cattle stampedes, bank failure, evil neighbors, killer bees, organ rejection, lynching, toxic waste, unstable dynamite, religious fanatics, prickly heat, price fixing, moral decay, hotel fires, loss of face, stink bombs, bubonic plague, neo-Nazis, friction, cereal weevils, failure of will, chain reaction, soil erosion, mail fraud, dry rot, voodoo curse, broken glass, snake bite, parasites, white slavery, public ridicule, faithless friends, random violence, breach of contract, family scandals, charlatans, transverse myelitis, structural defects, race riots, sunspots, rogue elephants, wax buildup, killer frost, jealous coworkers, root canals, metal fatigue, corporal punishment, sneak attacks, peer pressure, vigilantes, birth defects, false advertising, ungrateful children, financial ruin, mildew, loss of privileges, bad drugs, ill-fitting shoes, widespread chaos, Lou Gehrig's disease, stray bullets, runaway trains, chemical spills, locusts, airline food, shipwrecks, prowlers, bathtub accidents, faulty merchandise, terrorism, discrimination, wrongful cremation, carbon deposits, beef tapeworm, taxation without representation, escaped maniacs, sunburn, abandonment, threatening letters, entropy, nine-mile fever, poor workmanship, absentee landlords, solitary confinement, depletion of the ozone layer, unworthiness, intestinal bleeding, defrocked priests, loss of equilibrium, disgruntled employees, global warming, card sharks, poisoned meat, nuclear accidents, broken promises, contamination of the water supply, obscene phone calls, nuclear winter, wayward girls, mutual assured destruction, rampaging moose, the greenhouse effect, cluster headaches, social isolation, Dutch elm disease, the contraction of the universe, paper cuts, eternal damnation, the wrath of God, and. Some people have no idea what theyre doing, and a lot of them are really good at it. George Carlin, 42. Another George Carlin Quote. : Libertarian - Reddit Of all the things you can do, giving someone an orgasm is hardly the worst thing in the world. George Carlin murders a conservative from beyond the grave. - Reddit Life is a zero sum game. George Carlin, 36. Original music by Dan Powell and Marion Lozano . They own everything. I do not torture animals, and I do not support the torture of animals, such as that which goes on at rodeos: cowardly men in big hats abusing simple beasts in a fruitless search for manhood. Everybodys going to save something now. For a while, I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. If my car should be in such a position where I can't quite see what's going on, can't get a good enough look, I'm not the. And, of course, the funniest food: "kumquats". I've also grown weary of reading about clouds in a book. We get to choose which forms of life we feel are sacred, and we get to kill the rest. "(pop, pop) Been up all week, man! We're so self-important. ", Variations of this piece have also been misattributed to, "Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body". Electricity is really just organized lightning. Fucking is legal. It's all over the language now "pre"-this, "pre"-that, place the turkey in a "pre-heated" oven. One of them turns the radio OFF, and the other one. Say "you assholes are goin' for a ride!". I often warn people: Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, There is no I in team. What you should tell them is, Maybe not. There's something I like about the clitoris, but I can't quite put my finger on it. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place. George Carlin, 31. Well I'll go for a drive, you'll go for a ride. Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life. George Carlin, 5. Sooner or later the people in this country are going to realize: the government does not give a fuck about them. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language. George Carlin, 25. So maybe it's not the politicians who suck; maybe it's something else. Rights aren't rights if someone can - George Carlin Quotes - Facebook There's nothing wrong with suckin' dicks. Well, Reverend, did anyone ever tell you there are two KNOBS on the radio? If I can be of any help to you on your journey I'll do my best. George Denis Patrick Carlin was born May 12, 1937, in the Bronx, New York. Men are terrified that their pricks are inadequate and so they have to compete with one another, to feel better about themselves, and since war is the ultimate competition, basically, men are killing each other in order to improve their self-esteem! Ask an addict. BREAKING: 100 days . Awfully sorry.. Feel free to reach out and connect. Looking for the best George Carlin quotes? Because chickens are decent people. Carlin's most famous piece from 2005 explained the state of the US and why the US government isn't there for the people's interests. 21. They want obedient workers, people who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork. That's all we've ever had in this country, is a bill of temporary privileges. If it requires a uniform, its a worthless endeavor. George Carlin, 11. Another failed mutation, another closed-end biological mistake. 28. This country is big-time pig time Change the bald eagle to a big bowl of macaroni and cheese. They even have a war college at Ft. McNair, Washington. Its a fucking sacrilege! Various lists of humorous one-liners were forwarded through email in the 1990s, falsely attributed to George Carlin. And generally speaking again it's all generalized the left-of-center people are more concerned with humans and human beings and human concerns; to the care of humans, not the care and worry about property rights. The CIA doesn't kill anybody anymore, they, I have certain rules I live by. In the bullshit department, a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman. On the radio. OK? Some people think if you mention some things they might happen. This ought to get the ball rolling; I'm hoping you people will take it from here. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. George Carlin, 16.
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